More Angst at 31

Been in Jakarta for almost 6 months and realized that I haven't really been anywhere nor done anything, especially in the last few months. The 1st few months were pretty ok; the novelty was exciting, the meeting friends and partying was new and fun! But now I've gotten into a rut, which is surprising considering I'm in a completely foreign land with hundreds of places to explore and millions of people to meet (233 million to be exact)! I pretty much spend my weekdays counting the hours til I get home, then spend the night in the gym, finding dinner, watching TV or reading. Friday nights, which used to start only at 12 midnight, now finds me snoring contentedly by 1030 PM! I try to wake up relatively early on Saturdays, around 830 to 9, to catch my morning yoga class. After which, I just have lunch in the mall or gym area, then go home and watch more TV/DVDs. I don't even go out Saturday nights anymore! Sundays are spent dreading the work week to come.

Right now, I'm in a coffee shop attempting to get some work done. Lovely Indonesian place called Bakoel Koffie, with magazines, game boards (including sungka!!), free wifi, and adaptors/extension cords galore! These are the type of places that truly understand who goes to coffee shops! What I'd give for a real bluebery muffin though! :(

More presentation sheets for a visit from the gods next Monday. Sigh, so sick of endless sheets. Been here for an hour and have not even had the energy to open the files. Dread, dread, dread...Still haven't found my work motivation. Coaching people is not doing it for me. Moving the country's processes forward is not enticing either. Had a talk with one of the senior managers and she suggested using retirement as a motivation. As in, saving enough money to retire early. Sounds promising...and very Chinese! Based on initial computations though, need to save P5.7 million a year if I want to retire by 45! (assuming I reach the ripe old age of 80)

Seriously need to jumpstart my immersion into Indonesia. Some things I WILL make happen in the next few months:

1. Make more friends
2. Explore other regions
3. Study photography already!
4. Learn the language already!
5. Find a way to look forward to work (but how???)

Long Overdue Updates

Wow...haven't blogged in a while. Life here has been very, very interesting. Well, guess it's time for some of my usual bullet point updates.

1. Social: Still burgeoning. Essentially, I can choose to never be alone if I wanted to, as I pretty much can find some friends to hang out with every night, especially on weekends. But I've been trying to slow down a bit, get used to being alone again and not clubbing every freakin' weekend. Started last night, where I planned to have a quiet evening alone, possibly reading or meditating. Lasted 1 hour before I needed to invite Jed over! hahaha. Still, was a pretty chill Friday night, quite unusual for me. Also, not planning to party at all this weekend, though may have a Pinoy dinner tonight at my place with good friends :)

2. Spiritual: Hmmm...aside from the most boring mass ever every Sunday that lasts 1.5 hours, haven't really done much to improve this side of my life. Baaaad. I know I shouldn't be building my relationship wiht God only when I'm in distress...Will really try to discipline myself more in this aspect. Seriously need to start finding a group here, God knows where though.

3. Family: Folks were supposed to visit me this weekend but unfortunately, mom's not feeling well so they had to postpone. There was a bit of relief there, as I was so not ready for their official visit, but at the same time, I felt really bad that I couldn't see them. Have half a mind to run off to Manila soon...

4. Career: Ugh...still feel lost and confused. I can handle my boss pretty well, though his ultra analytical brain overwhelms me. Still can't read my Managing Director...it's like everything that I say to him is wrong or interpreted differently. Shit, he must be regretting getting me now. My subordinates are doing OK. Hopefully, they still like me despite my slowly revealing bitchiness. My agencies fear me...wah! Really have to do something about that.

5. Physical: Been able to gym quite regularly, especially since D left and I needed some way to cope. Will seriously bulk up now. Just have to manage the diet part, which is always the tough part for me. Need to eat a heavy breakfast, and eat every 3 hours--clean food only!!

6. Emotional: Well learning a lot about myself here...about how starved I am for affection, how rashly I can make decisions when I'm emotional, how much I can hurt and still survive. Only makes me stronger right?

Am seriously planning to go on a long trip far far away for my birthday. Any suggestions?

Dread

I’ve been dreading going to work. In the mornings, I try to leave home as late as possible. Monday mornings make my stomach churn. I’ve gone on “sick” leave for 2 days in a span of 3 weeks. And everyday, I count the hours until I can go home.

This is not something new for me. Actually, this tends to happen every time I have a major career shift…When I moved from Coke to JnJ, when I moved to David…It’s the way I try to run away from the horrid, horrid feeling of isolation, superfluousness, and transcience (also, big words surface when I’m depressed).

I don’t think anyone is a great fan of stepping out of comfort zones. But some people seem to do it much better. I’m obviously not one of those people. I would prefer to be cocooned in the warm, velvety safety of my comfort zone than step out into an unknown world lost, naked and alone. And while I know it will be good for me in the end, it doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable.

While everyone in the office is very warm and friendly, I still know I’m not really one of them. They speak a completely alien language, which excludes me from most personal conversations by default. And I'm still deathly afraid of my boss, who is super nice, but really has high expectations which I don't think I can live up to. That sucks, cause I really perform better when I feel like I actually know what I'm doing...The way this is going, I fear he's just gonna reject everything I work on!

I've also been losing my patience with my media agency because of their lousy output. I have to learn to control myself a bit with them and try to be more understanding...

Ok ok...this is getting a bit too whiney and negative. Should focus on the positives...

1. Everyone is very friendly to me, even folks from other departments.
2. I think my subordinates like me.
3. I think I'm adding value to their work
4. I will learn a lot from all of these new things
5. It WILL get easier

Ohm...

Soliliquy

Spending a quiet night alone in my apartment with some contraband vodka. This is only the 2nd time that I've been able to do this in my almost 2 weeks here; quite a feat for such a loner like me. This is so the complete opposite of my regular Manila life. Well, it's nice to know I can actually be both if I really wanted to.

Work is becoming a bit frustrating, not really for the workload or the type of work, but more because of the people I have to manage. They're really eager to learn and work and all, but it just takes so much more effort to get anything done because of the language barrier and the (sorry to admit) competency level. In fairness, I'm a lot more patient here, maybe cause I'm the new guy. Or maybe cause I haven't reached my boiling point yet.

To be honest, I haven't really been too focused on work beyond what is needed. I've been much more distracted by fixing my apartment, my crazy, burgeoning social life, and the drama of adjusting to a new way of being.

Mom just called, telling me to stop eating in restaurants all the time and find a way to eat healthier. WTF?! While I could still bear with all the nagging in Manila, here, it's just plain ridiculous, considering that I'm perfectly surviving on my own. It sounds really bad, but I haven't missed them all that much. And seriously, I don't think I can ever go back to that old life in Manila.

Ok, you can shoot me now.

My Office

Haven't been able to blog lately; this open office set-up isn't very conducive to personal surfing...


Adjusting to the new work life has been strangely easy. I don't mind the horribly small, open space (calling it a cubicle would be an exaggeration!). I was assigned an old Vios which suits me just fine. I don't understand anything anyone says, and I'm obviously excluded from most interactions. The language barrier makes everything doubly inefficient and their presentations are...not to my usual standards. Yet none of that bothers me one bit!

I guess when you're the bagong sal'ta (new guy in town), you naturally become the one that adapts and adjusts to everyone else. You also come to accept that you can never truly be one of them. So the usual social acceptance desires because less of an issue. At the same time, the exciting and overwhelming novelty of it all more than compensates for any inconvenience that comes with it.

Work hasn't been too difficult for now. Just a lot of orientations and short meetings which are quite chicken. The projects per brand are quite light, compared to consumer (cause there are so many things you're not allowed to do in pharma). My boss has been too harassed to watch out for me which is perfectly fine with me. I really do hope I get along well with him, although I'm still adjusting to his "dictate everything step by step" style of discussing. I'm not used to this as I'm usually the one who dictates! hehe

My subordinates are much better than I've been led to believe. They're actually pretty good, they just really need some guidance. I want to be a good boss to my people, especially since they haven't had a boss for a whole year so no one's been taking care of their careers! I want to be seen as a smart, value-adding, but nurturing boss. Shit, I'm so changing here!

Lost in Translation

Back in Manila. Was gone for less than 2 weeks but I already feel...displaced. Like I don't belong here anymore. As if I were just a tourist visiting friends. It was quite difficult to get back into the groove of my local work since I've been mentally preparing to immerse myself in my new OTC world. Strangely enough, I also have no urge to connect with people I'm leaving behind. Maybe it's because it will just make the goodbyes even harder.

Some good news though; my folks seem to have accepted my move. Being the non-confrontational family that we are, we never even talked about the drama that happened when I broke the news a while back. They just starting with their usual lectures on making sure I bring medicine, I don't eat street food, etc. It's quite comforting actually.

I think I'm adjusting to the work and culure transition pretty well considering "being comfortable with ambiguity" isn't my best trait. Maybe because I was already expecting the worst such that the reality couldn't possibly compete.

Miss the partying though. Have been finding excuses to drink this whole week after work. hehe

ZZzzzzzz

Novotel Golf Estate Bogor

Tiring day. Had to wake up at 5 AM in time for the long trip to Bogor (slept around 1) for an Indo Strat Plan thingie.

The place is gorgeous though...very Balinese design. Room looks wonderful. Will put up pics tom :)

Met a lot of the more senior people in the company. They're...different. Hope I can work well with them. For some weird reason, I had none of my worries about having to meet strangers. Maybe it's because they all look so non-threatening. hehe

Tried to be perky and comment-y today. Did the best I could but wasn't as coherent as usual due to lack of sleep, hehe.

More tom. Really tired na.

Drain-O

Super drained after 2 days of my OTC crash course here in the summit. In fairness, it wasn't as bad as I expected...(aren't most things we dread?) I think I've been able to follow the discussions relatively well considering I shudder everytime a new active or "molecule" is mentioned--Phenylephrine, Pseudophederine, and a lot more unpronouncable P's. Didn't participate as actively as I usually do...hope this improves with time and experience. Not too great on the social department either. Quite hard to small talk when you come from really different work backgrounds! But if there's one thing I'm trying to learn, it's to cut myself some slack. Ika nga ni Alex, I need to forgive myself!

I also got the chance to meet one of my subordinates and my new boss. I think they're great! Smart, hardworking but not too serious. I think we will work very well together!

Ugh...I'm starving. But have to have dinner with my new Managing Director who's arriving at 8:30pm.

Jai guru deva om

I'm all set. Or rather, it has all been set for me. Funny thing about major life decisions...you shilly-shally for months but the moment you say "Yes!" the gods of indecisiveness just take the ball and run with it (probably to prevent you from changing your mind again). And there you stand, dazed and bewildered, not remembering what exactly you were agreeing to in the first place.

This whole thing started with a seemingly innocuous phone call over the Christmas holidays. I was in Tagaytay with my folks having lunch in Highlands' Winter Palace. While waiting for the dimsum to arrive, I gave Lynette a call to greet her on her birthday. As usual, we ended up chatting about work and our careers. She was very quickly moving up the company ladder despite not being sure where the ladder would end up. I, on the other hand, was getting a bit restless, and in desperate need of a major jolt. She told me to reconnect with GRC, especially since she was in Manila during that time. So when I was back at work last January, I dropped G's office to say hello. And that's when the ball started rolling and I'm still running after it up to now.

I will be leaving the Philippines for good in a month's time. I'm scared shitless. The longest I've ever been out of the country alone was 6 weeks in Taiwan when I was still in high school. And now, we're talking about 2 years. That's 98 more weeks than my personal record! It doesn't help that I don't know anyone there, that I will have to adjust to a completely different culture, and that I will be managing a business category that's completely alien to me.

BREATHE...

Choose the good, not the easy.

It's lonely at the top.

If you're stuck with lemons, go make a lemonade. (All from Lynette).

I have to admit though that it's also a very, very exciting time. I've never felt more alive! After all, how many chances in life do we get to wash ourselves clean, scour away all the grime and dirt accumulated through the years, and emerge fresh, pure, new?

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Mood: reflective, sedate
Music: The Best of U2, 1980-1990