2008 Life Review

Tagged from TJ's blog...

What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Get expatriated; Lived in a foreign country by myself
Watch the Olympics
Go to NZ
Ran in an official race

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Not really but definitely!

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one specific

Did anyone close to you die?
My grandma

What countries did you visit?
Singapore, Indonesia, Australia, NZ, China

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
More passion and motivation

What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 1-my first day in J&J Indonesia

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting expatriated

What was your biggest failure?
Not making more friends or travelling around more

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope

What was the best thing you bought?
my iMac

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jed I guess, who generously showed me around Jakarta even if he didn't know me from Adam

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Let's just call it the Bali Tragedy of 2008 :P

Where did most of your money go?
Condo payments, eating out (all those brunches!)

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Singapore and the Olympics

What song(s) will always remind you of 2008?
Chicane's "No Ordinary Morning"

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder but in retrospect, more fulfilling
ii. thinner or fatter? Significantly fatter :(
iii. richer or poorer? Richer but could have saved more

What do you wish you'd done more?
Made more friends
Travelled around more
Enjoyed work more

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Whine and complain
Cocoon
Get into complicated situations

What was your favorite TV program?
30 Rock!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah

What was the best book you read?
David Sedaris' "When You Are Engulfed in Flames"

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Air

What did you want and get?
my iMac
my Ikea hoard

What was your favorite film of this year?
Mamma Mia!

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 31. Worked in the AM, had lunch with office folks, dinner and drinks with Jed at Cork and Screw

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More emotional stability

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Expatic conservative

What kept you sane?
Alcohol, Food, Sleep!

What political issue stirred you the most?
All the freakin corruption scandals!

Who was the best new person you met?
Jedi

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008 :
Don't over expect, Don't assume.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Love is a losing game :P

Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?
Yup!

What was your favorite month of 2008?
December! Got to go back home!

How many concerts did you see in 2008?
Just Swing Out Sister which was a letdown

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
Ya!!!

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Yup! Too much drama!

How much money did you spend in 2008?
Lots :(

What was your proudest moment of 2008?
Getting my performance evaluation.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008?
That major drama morning!!!

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be?
That Bali incident!

What are your plans for 2009?
1. Get back to health--bring down cholesterol to 200. See my abs once and for all.
2. Go back to church
3. Make more friends
4. Travel around Indonesia
5. Go to Barcelona
6. Find ways to enjoy my work

How are you different now that the year has ended?
Less emotionally swayed. More aware of my idiosyncrasies.

What are your wishes for the new year?
More passion, more action.

My Enneagram Type

More Angst at 31

Been in Jakarta for almost 6 months and realized that I haven't really been anywhere nor done anything, especially in the last few months. The 1st few months were pretty ok; the novelty was exciting, the meeting friends and partying was new and fun! But now I've gotten into a rut, which is surprising considering I'm in a completely foreign land with hundreds of places to explore and millions of people to meet (233 million to be exact)! I pretty much spend my weekdays counting the hours til I get home, then spend the night in the gym, finding dinner, watching TV or reading. Friday nights, which used to start only at 12 midnight, now finds me snoring contentedly by 1030 PM! I try to wake up relatively early on Saturdays, around 830 to 9, to catch my morning yoga class. After which, I just have lunch in the mall or gym area, then go home and watch more TV/DVDs. I don't even go out Saturday nights anymore! Sundays are spent dreading the work week to come.

Right now, I'm in a coffee shop attempting to get some work done. Lovely Indonesian place called Bakoel Koffie, with magazines, game boards (including sungka!!), free wifi, and adaptors/extension cords galore! These are the type of places that truly understand who goes to coffee shops! What I'd give for a real bluebery muffin though! :(

More presentation sheets for a visit from the gods next Monday. Sigh, so sick of endless sheets. Been here for an hour and have not even had the energy to open the files. Dread, dread, dread...Still haven't found my work motivation. Coaching people is not doing it for me. Moving the country's processes forward is not enticing either. Had a talk with one of the senior managers and she suggested using retirement as a motivation. As in, saving enough money to retire early. Sounds promising...and very Chinese! Based on initial computations though, need to save P5.7 million a year if I want to retire by 45! (assuming I reach the ripe old age of 80)

Seriously need to jumpstart my immersion into Indonesia. Some things I WILL make happen in the next few months:

1. Make more friends
2. Explore other regions
3. Study photography already!
4. Learn the language already!
5. Find a way to look forward to work (but how???)

3 Things (2)

1. Had a nice dinner in the Kemang area in that artsy Koi restaurant. Food was great, mojitos were better, vibe was excellent!

2. Was able to get my new Fitness First card, and do my grocery shopping in Ranch. Wonderful to be able to shop when you have money!

3. Had an extremely relaxing morning with a slow, luxurious breakfast and a nap right after!

Life is good.

3 Things

1. Pinoy night at Frank's where we had yummy lychee martinis, yummy pinoy food like kaldereta, sinigang, adobo, brazo de mercedez, etc. Nice to get invited to dinners at home. Much more intimate that eating out.

2. Got to chill out at home all day as I didn't go to work. Apartment was surprisingly quiet with none of the usual construction work happening next door. Got to read a bit, laze around, sleep a lot...Heaven!

3. The smallest spark of light in the dark black hole I've been digging myself into.

Tiga

Ok. 3 Things I'm Grateful for Today:

1. Having friends like Jed who don't BS me and won't accept my crap. It hurts, but it helps me see the real deal.

2 I feel like I'm able to influence my people a bit, in how they think, how they should present, what they're doing well and what they can improve on.

3. Yummy food in Din Tai Fung, which never fails to comfort me...

Jakarta-Beijing-Singapore-Jakarta

Have not posted for a while. My bad. Life has been too crazy and hectic to find time to blog. Can't complain though...better than being boring all week a.k.a. Manila Albert.

Just came from Beijing to watch the Olympics (more pics and stories later). More importantly, got to visit Lynette and Jan in Singapore and shop/ransack Ikea! Had such a fun, fun time with them even despite the short span of time. Enjoyed joking around and swapping OFW stories with real and wonderful people who can relate in their own way with what I'm going through (as they just recently relocated to Singapore). Miss them already!

I'm going through a really scary situation right now. Scary because it's seriously beautiful yet inevitably devastating. Quite certain it will end tragically. Everyone here has been trying to knock some sense into me. Yet I persist. Yes, it's stupid and illogical and nothing less than masochistic. But still, I go deeper and deeper until I can no longer remember where I began.

Gad, Jakarta has turned me melodramatic!

Long Overdue Updates

Wow...haven't blogged in a while. Life here has been very, very interesting. Well, guess it's time for some of my usual bullet point updates.

1. Social: Still burgeoning. Essentially, I can choose to never be alone if I wanted to, as I pretty much can find some friends to hang out with every night, especially on weekends. But I've been trying to slow down a bit, get used to being alone again and not clubbing every freakin' weekend. Started last night, where I planned to have a quiet evening alone, possibly reading or meditating. Lasted 1 hour before I needed to invite Jed over! hahaha. Still, was a pretty chill Friday night, quite unusual for me. Also, not planning to party at all this weekend, though may have a Pinoy dinner tonight at my place with good friends :)

2. Spiritual: Hmmm...aside from the most boring mass ever every Sunday that lasts 1.5 hours, haven't really done much to improve this side of my life. Baaaad. I know I shouldn't be building my relationship wiht God only when I'm in distress...Will really try to discipline myself more in this aspect. Seriously need to start finding a group here, God knows where though.

3. Family: Folks were supposed to visit me this weekend but unfortunately, mom's not feeling well so they had to postpone. There was a bit of relief there, as I was so not ready for their official visit, but at the same time, I felt really bad that I couldn't see them. Have half a mind to run off to Manila soon...

4. Career: Ugh...still feel lost and confused. I can handle my boss pretty well, though his ultra analytical brain overwhelms me. Still can't read my Managing Director...it's like everything that I say to him is wrong or interpreted differently. Shit, he must be regretting getting me now. My subordinates are doing OK. Hopefully, they still like me despite my slowly revealing bitchiness. My agencies fear me...wah! Really have to do something about that.

5. Physical: Been able to gym quite regularly, especially since D left and I needed some way to cope. Will seriously bulk up now. Just have to manage the diet part, which is always the tough part for me. Need to eat a heavy breakfast, and eat every 3 hours--clean food only!!

6. Emotional: Well learning a lot about myself here...about how starved I am for affection, how rashly I can make decisions when I'm emotional, how much I can hurt and still survive. Only makes me stronger right?

Am seriously planning to go on a long trip far far away for my birthday. Any suggestions?

Key Next Steps

I will win over this fuckery through sheer pride, anger, and bullet points.

1. Find fulfillment in other aspects of life--health, fitness, travel, family, expanded social circles, spirituality, service.

2. Take my sweet time before trusting people. Trust = Faith + Evaluation + Responsiblity

3. Don't make assumptions based on my own personal experiences. Words or actions mean different things to different people in different cultures.

4. Focus on the good. Be grateful. Be more freakin' positive.

5. Know who my real friends are.

6. Pray. Meditate. Center.

7. Be kind to myself.

8. Mindfulness about how I react at certain situations. Focus on feelings and what drives them--low self-worth? unrealistic expectations? just plain lack of self control?

Now comes the harder part. Actually doing them. I've kinda failed No. 3 already.

Dark Night of the Soul

Rough night. Had to face a lot of personal demons including hurt, loneliness, rejection, frustration, helplessness, envy, insecurity. Quite a list for just 1 night. Obviously, these have all just been somewhere inside me, waiting for the right time to strike. Didn't help that I was facing all of these alone, at night, in an alien place. And after a while, drinking didn't work. distractions didn't work. A false attempt to show emotional strength didn't work.

It was just me and my demons.

I just want to run away. Avoid certain people and situations. Build up my emotional wall all over again. Be the fuckin' rockstar I keep telling myself I am. But I know that I can't. And I know I shouldn't. For how else to deal with your demons but to face them head on right? But as with most things in life, this is easier said than done.

It was a very rough night.

But now it's morning again. Time to step out into the world. But I'm feeling too weak, too vulnerable to face it by myself. And so I go back, the way I always do, to the one true Source of strength, stability, and pure, infinite love and compassion...

You are sad with a nameless sorrow. Your heart feels bleak and without resources. The future looms as a long march. Come to me. Bring me your sorrow and allow me to soften it. Breathe in my atmosphere of acceptance and know that grief has a place in our lives. Bring me your shuttered heart. Allow me to warm it and to promise it a future bright with hope. You cannot see it, but beyond your grief, beyond your doubt, your future is sunny and filled with abundance. Only come to me.

I am your source in all things. In seasons of suffering, ask me for comfort. I am a fountain of mercy. In times of doubt, I am the one great certitude, the one abiding power in which you can trust. Seek me daily. Allow me to speak to you. Walk with me and listen to my consolations. You are precious to me. When you are downcast, it is my pleasure to lift you up. It is my joy to bring you joy.

I am the foundation. Build on me. I am sturdy and dependable. You can ground your life in me. I will never fail you. In all times of distress and difficulty, I am always listening for you. I care for you as a mother bird who gathers her chicks to her breast before a storm. Come to me and let me lift your grieving heart.

Lord, in your infinite mercy and compassion, lift me out of this dark night and into the light of your love. Please give me the strength to face all of these demons in my life. I can't go through this alone. Help me. Be with me in this struggle. I surrender it all to you. For I am nothing without you.

Band-Aids

I'm so restless. Been alone in the apartment for only a few hours and already, I have a strange, urgent need to get out asap. Funny. In Manila, I live in a messy, fluorescent-lit building in the middle of squalid downtown Quiapo and yet, I loved nothing better than to lock myself in my room all day, just watching TV. And here I am living on my own in the most gorgeous bachelor pad, and the only thing I can think of is to be somewhere, anywhere else but here.

I guess you see your home differently when you're living alone in a foreign place. Instead of being a secure, quiet cocoon that allows you to escape from the chaos of the day to day world, here, the absolute quiet and solitude just emphasizes how alone you are. This is surprising to a loner like me, who's never had an issue being by myself and has always wanted to live on my own.

I've also been craving for social connection a lot more here. Like I can't stand not being with anyone, or not having someone to talk to (maybe that's why I'm in facebook all day). It's probably because in the isolation of adjusting to a strange, scary new place, you end up desperately seeking emotional comfort and affirmation anywhere you can find it (including all the clubbing and drinking I've been doing).

Good to recognize this and in a way, I think this is a necessary experience I have to go through. But after all that's been said and done, will just have to mature, center myself, and learn not just accept, but actually enjoy the solitude. And this time, without the emotional band-aids.

God has a weird sense of humour

This has been a very interesting night...surreal, but interesting.

Maturation

I know that being mature is about seeing and accepting reality for what it is. But when did it become about no longer believing in a better world than what's in front of your eyes?

Turning 40

Sigh...living in a new place really does make you grow up much faster. I probably added no less than 10 years in the last week alone...

Sentimental Thoughts

Excerpts from my book of the moment "Eat, Pray, Love":

Someday, you're gonna look back at this moment in your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning, and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it.

That love you felt? That's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake...Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.