I will win over this fuckery through sheer pride, anger, and bullet points.
1. Find fulfillment in other aspects of life--health, fitness, travel, family, expanded social circles, spirituality, service.
2. Take my sweet time before trusting people. Trust = Faith + Evaluation + Responsiblity
3. Don't make assumptions based on my own personal experiences. Words or actions mean different things to different people in different cultures.
4. Focus on the good. Be grateful. Be more freakin' positive.
5. Know who my real friends are.
6. Pray. Meditate. Center.
7. Be kind to myself.
8. Mindfulness about how I react at certain situations. Focus on feelings and what drives them--low self-worth? unrealistic expectations? just plain lack of self control?
Now comes the harder part. Actually doing them. I've kinda failed No. 3 already.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Dark Night of the Soul
Rough night. Had to face a lot of personal demons including hurt, loneliness, rejection, frustration, helplessness, envy, insecurity. Quite a list for just 1 night. Obviously, these have all just been somewhere inside me, waiting for the right time to strike. Didn't help that I was facing all of these alone, at night, in an alien place. And after a while, drinking didn't work. distractions didn't work. A false attempt to show emotional strength didn't work.
It was just me and my demons.
I just want to run away. Avoid certain people and situations. Build up my emotional wall all over again. Be the fuckin' rockstar I keep telling myself I am. But I know that I can't. And I know I shouldn't. For how else to deal with your demons but to face them head on right? But as with most things in life, this is easier said than done.
It was a very rough night.
But now it's morning again. Time to step out into the world. But I'm feeling too weak, too vulnerable to face it by myself. And so I go back, the way I always do, to the one true Source of strength, stability, and pure, infinite love and compassion...
You are sad with a nameless sorrow. Your heart feels bleak and without resources. The future looms as a long march. Come to me. Bring me your sorrow and allow me to soften it. Breathe in my atmosphere of acceptance and know that grief has a place in our lives. Bring me your shuttered heart. Allow me to warm it and to promise it a future bright with hope. You cannot see it, but beyond your grief, beyond your doubt, your future is sunny and filled with abundance. Only come to me.
I am your source in all things. In seasons of suffering, ask me for comfort. I am a fountain of mercy. In times of doubt, I am the one great certitude, the one abiding power in which you can trust. Seek me daily. Allow me to speak to you. Walk with me and listen to my consolations. You are precious to me. When you are downcast, it is my pleasure to lift you up. It is my joy to bring you joy.
I am the foundation. Build on me. I am sturdy and dependable. You can ground your life in me. I will never fail you. In all times of distress and difficulty, I am always listening for you. I care for you as a mother bird who gathers her chicks to her breast before a storm. Come to me and let me lift your grieving heart.
Lord, in your infinite mercy and compassion, lift me out of this dark night and into the light of your love. Please give me the strength to face all of these demons in my life. I can't go through this alone. Help me. Be with me in this struggle. I surrender it all to you. For I am nothing without you.
It was just me and my demons.
I just want to run away. Avoid certain people and situations. Build up my emotional wall all over again. Be the fuckin' rockstar I keep telling myself I am. But I know that I can't. And I know I shouldn't. For how else to deal with your demons but to face them head on right? But as with most things in life, this is easier said than done.
It was a very rough night.
But now it's morning again. Time to step out into the world. But I'm feeling too weak, too vulnerable to face it by myself. And so I go back, the way I always do, to the one true Source of strength, stability, and pure, infinite love and compassion...
You are sad with a nameless sorrow. Your heart feels bleak and without resources. The future looms as a long march. Come to me. Bring me your sorrow and allow me to soften it. Breathe in my atmosphere of acceptance and know that grief has a place in our lives. Bring me your shuttered heart. Allow me to warm it and to promise it a future bright with hope. You cannot see it, but beyond your grief, beyond your doubt, your future is sunny and filled with abundance. Only come to me.
I am your source in all things. In seasons of suffering, ask me for comfort. I am a fountain of mercy. In times of doubt, I am the one great certitude, the one abiding power in which you can trust. Seek me daily. Allow me to speak to you. Walk with me and listen to my consolations. You are precious to me. When you are downcast, it is my pleasure to lift you up. It is my joy to bring you joy.
I am the foundation. Build on me. I am sturdy and dependable. You can ground your life in me. I will never fail you. In all times of distress and difficulty, I am always listening for you. I care for you as a mother bird who gathers her chicks to her breast before a storm. Come to me and let me lift your grieving heart.
Lord, in your infinite mercy and compassion, lift me out of this dark night and into the light of your love. Please give me the strength to face all of these demons in my life. I can't go through this alone. Help me. Be with me in this struggle. I surrender it all to you. For I am nothing without you.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Dread
I’ve been dreading going to work. In the mornings, I try to leave home as late as possible. Monday mornings make my stomach churn. I’ve gone on “sick” leave for 2 days in a span of 3 weeks. And everyday, I count the hours until I can go home.
This is not something new for me. Actually, this tends to happen every time I have a major career shift…When I moved from Coke to JnJ, when I moved to David…It’s the way I try to run away from the horrid, horrid feeling of isolation, superfluousness, and transcience (also, big words surface when I’m depressed).
I don’t think anyone is a great fan of stepping out of comfort zones. But some people seem to do it much better. I’m obviously not one of those people. I would prefer to be cocooned in the warm, velvety safety of my comfort zone than step out into an unknown world lost, naked and alone. And while I know it will be good for me in the end, it doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable.
While everyone in the office is very warm and friendly, I still know I’m not really one of them. They speak a completely alien language, which excludes me from most personal conversations by default. And I'm still deathly afraid of my boss, who is super nice, but really has high expectations which I don't think I can live up to. That sucks, cause I really perform better when I feel like I actually know what I'm doing...The way this is going, I fear he's just gonna reject everything I work on!
I've also been losing my patience with my media agency because of their lousy output. I have to learn to control myself a bit with them and try to be more understanding...
Ok ok...this is getting a bit too whiney and negative. Should focus on the positives...
1. Everyone is very friendly to me, even folks from other departments.
2. I think my subordinates like me.
3. I think I'm adding value to their work
4. I will learn a lot from all of these new things
5. It WILL get easier
Ohm...
This is not something new for me. Actually, this tends to happen every time I have a major career shift…When I moved from Coke to JnJ, when I moved to David…It’s the way I try to run away from the horrid, horrid feeling of isolation, superfluousness, and transcience (also, big words surface when I’m depressed).
I don’t think anyone is a great fan of stepping out of comfort zones. But some people seem to do it much better. I’m obviously not one of those people. I would prefer to be cocooned in the warm, velvety safety of my comfort zone than step out into an unknown world lost, naked and alone. And while I know it will be good for me in the end, it doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable.
While everyone in the office is very warm and friendly, I still know I’m not really one of them. They speak a completely alien language, which excludes me from most personal conversations by default. And I'm still deathly afraid of my boss, who is super nice, but really has high expectations which I don't think I can live up to. That sucks, cause I really perform better when I feel like I actually know what I'm doing...The way this is going, I fear he's just gonna reject everything I work on!
I've also been losing my patience with my media agency because of their lousy output. I have to learn to control myself a bit with them and try to be more understanding...
Ok ok...this is getting a bit too whiney and negative. Should focus on the positives...
1. Everyone is very friendly to me, even folks from other departments.
2. I think my subordinates like me.
3. I think I'm adding value to their work
4. I will learn a lot from all of these new things
5. It WILL get easier
Ohm...
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