Key Next Steps

I will win over this fuckery through sheer pride, anger, and bullet points.

1. Find fulfillment in other aspects of life--health, fitness, travel, family, expanded social circles, spirituality, service.

2. Take my sweet time before trusting people. Trust = Faith + Evaluation + Responsiblity

3. Don't make assumptions based on my own personal experiences. Words or actions mean different things to different people in different cultures.

4. Focus on the good. Be grateful. Be more freakin' positive.

5. Know who my real friends are.

6. Pray. Meditate. Center.

7. Be kind to myself.

8. Mindfulness about how I react at certain situations. Focus on feelings and what drives them--low self-worth? unrealistic expectations? just plain lack of self control?

Now comes the harder part. Actually doing them. I've kinda failed No. 3 already.

Dark Night of the Soul

Rough night. Had to face a lot of personal demons including hurt, loneliness, rejection, frustration, helplessness, envy, insecurity. Quite a list for just 1 night. Obviously, these have all just been somewhere inside me, waiting for the right time to strike. Didn't help that I was facing all of these alone, at night, in an alien place. And after a while, drinking didn't work. distractions didn't work. A false attempt to show emotional strength didn't work.

It was just me and my demons.

I just want to run away. Avoid certain people and situations. Build up my emotional wall all over again. Be the fuckin' rockstar I keep telling myself I am. But I know that I can't. And I know I shouldn't. For how else to deal with your demons but to face them head on right? But as with most things in life, this is easier said than done.

It was a very rough night.

But now it's morning again. Time to step out into the world. But I'm feeling too weak, too vulnerable to face it by myself. And so I go back, the way I always do, to the one true Source of strength, stability, and pure, infinite love and compassion...

You are sad with a nameless sorrow. Your heart feels bleak and without resources. The future looms as a long march. Come to me. Bring me your sorrow and allow me to soften it. Breathe in my atmosphere of acceptance and know that grief has a place in our lives. Bring me your shuttered heart. Allow me to warm it and to promise it a future bright with hope. You cannot see it, but beyond your grief, beyond your doubt, your future is sunny and filled with abundance. Only come to me.

I am your source in all things. In seasons of suffering, ask me for comfort. I am a fountain of mercy. In times of doubt, I am the one great certitude, the one abiding power in which you can trust. Seek me daily. Allow me to speak to you. Walk with me and listen to my consolations. You are precious to me. When you are downcast, it is my pleasure to lift you up. It is my joy to bring you joy.

I am the foundation. Build on me. I am sturdy and dependable. You can ground your life in me. I will never fail you. In all times of distress and difficulty, I am always listening for you. I care for you as a mother bird who gathers her chicks to her breast before a storm. Come to me and let me lift your grieving heart.

Lord, in your infinite mercy and compassion, lift me out of this dark night and into the light of your love. Please give me the strength to face all of these demons in my life. I can't go through this alone. Help me. Be with me in this struggle. I surrender it all to you. For I am nothing without you.

Dread

I’ve been dreading going to work. In the mornings, I try to leave home as late as possible. Monday mornings make my stomach churn. I’ve gone on “sick” leave for 2 days in a span of 3 weeks. And everyday, I count the hours until I can go home.

This is not something new for me. Actually, this tends to happen every time I have a major career shift…When I moved from Coke to JnJ, when I moved to David…It’s the way I try to run away from the horrid, horrid feeling of isolation, superfluousness, and transcience (also, big words surface when I’m depressed).

I don’t think anyone is a great fan of stepping out of comfort zones. But some people seem to do it much better. I’m obviously not one of those people. I would prefer to be cocooned in the warm, velvety safety of my comfort zone than step out into an unknown world lost, naked and alone. And while I know it will be good for me in the end, it doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable.

While everyone in the office is very warm and friendly, I still know I’m not really one of them. They speak a completely alien language, which excludes me from most personal conversations by default. And I'm still deathly afraid of my boss, who is super nice, but really has high expectations which I don't think I can live up to. That sucks, cause I really perform better when I feel like I actually know what I'm doing...The way this is going, I fear he's just gonna reject everything I work on!

I've also been losing my patience with my media agency because of their lousy output. I have to learn to control myself a bit with them and try to be more understanding...

Ok ok...this is getting a bit too whiney and negative. Should focus on the positives...

1. Everyone is very friendly to me, even folks from other departments.
2. I think my subordinates like me.
3. I think I'm adding value to their work
4. I will learn a lot from all of these new things
5. It WILL get easier

Ohm...

Band-Aids

I'm so restless. Been alone in the apartment for only a few hours and already, I have a strange, urgent need to get out asap. Funny. In Manila, I live in a messy, fluorescent-lit building in the middle of squalid downtown Quiapo and yet, I loved nothing better than to lock myself in my room all day, just watching TV. And here I am living on my own in the most gorgeous bachelor pad, and the only thing I can think of is to be somewhere, anywhere else but here.

I guess you see your home differently when you're living alone in a foreign place. Instead of being a secure, quiet cocoon that allows you to escape from the chaos of the day to day world, here, the absolute quiet and solitude just emphasizes how alone you are. This is surprising to a loner like me, who's never had an issue being by myself and has always wanted to live on my own.

I've also been craving for social connection a lot more here. Like I can't stand not being with anyone, or not having someone to talk to (maybe that's why I'm in facebook all day). It's probably because in the isolation of adjusting to a strange, scary new place, you end up desperately seeking emotional comfort and affirmation anywhere you can find it (including all the clubbing and drinking I've been doing).

Good to recognize this and in a way, I think this is a necessary experience I have to go through. But after all that's been said and done, will just have to mature, center myself, and learn not just accept, but actually enjoy the solitude. And this time, without the emotional band-aids.

Soliliquy

Spending a quiet night alone in my apartment with some contraband vodka. This is only the 2nd time that I've been able to do this in my almost 2 weeks here; quite a feat for such a loner like me. This is so the complete opposite of my regular Manila life. Well, it's nice to know I can actually be both if I really wanted to.

Work is becoming a bit frustrating, not really for the workload or the type of work, but more because of the people I have to manage. They're really eager to learn and work and all, but it just takes so much more effort to get anything done because of the language barrier and the (sorry to admit) competency level. In fairness, I'm a lot more patient here, maybe cause I'm the new guy. Or maybe cause I haven't reached my boiling point yet.

To be honest, I haven't really been too focused on work beyond what is needed. I've been much more distracted by fixing my apartment, my crazy, burgeoning social life, and the drama of adjusting to a new way of being.

Mom just called, telling me to stop eating in restaurants all the time and find a way to eat healthier. WTF?! While I could still bear with all the nagging in Manila, here, it's just plain ridiculous, considering that I'm perfectly surviving on my own. It sounds really bad, but I haven't missed them all that much. And seriously, I don't think I can ever go back to that old life in Manila.

Ok, you can shoot me now.

Maturation

I know that being mature is about seeing and accepting reality for what it is. But when did it become about no longer believing in a better world than what's in front of your eyes?

Turning 40

Sigh...living in a new place really does make you grow up much faster. I probably added no less than 10 years in the last week alone...

I'm Here!

After weeks of panic packing, farewell dinners, and airport dramas, I'm finally here in Jakarta! Can't say it was all that memorable, given that my flight arrived at midnight (1 AM Manila time) so I could barely find the strength to carry my 4 bags (including a 47 kilo suitcase), much less take in the momentous occasion.

In any case, I made it to Gran Melia around 2 AM. Upon unpacking, was horrified to find that my Neutrogena facial scrub exploded all over my stuff, including my Boss leather bag! :( The horrible stain won't disappear. Oh well, I read in GQ that you should let leather bags "live and get old" (vs leather shoes) so that it has a distinct character. What better way to build character than through scars!

Also broke off the "INRI" and one of Jesus' arms (!) on my crucifix. That super sucks :(

Got invited to go out pa last night but was really too dog tired na. Will be going shopping this afternoon with Jed so that I can buy more office clothes and some adaptors. There's this French DJ thing tonight which I'll probably attend.

Apartment turnover is tomorrow, I hope it goes well! :)

PS. Just so glad my folks were able to handle the last goodbye pretty well. Miss them to death, though...

In Limbo

Have you ever been stuck in an airport transit? It's a surreal experience. While you are physically aware of your presence in that country, the powers-that-be don't officially recognize your entry. So for that brief moment in time, you don't exist. Your face, your identity, your nationality--none of those really matter. You're in a state of flux, where you can be anyone and no one at the same time.

That's how I feel now.