Have not posted for a while. My bad. Life has been too crazy and hectic to find time to blog. Can't complain though...better than being boring all week a.k.a. Manila Albert.
Just came from Beijing to watch the Olympics (more pics and stories later). More importantly, got to visit Lynette and Jan in Singapore and shop/ransack Ikea! Had such a fun, fun time with them even despite the short span of time. Enjoyed joking around and swapping OFW stories with real and wonderful people who can relate in their own way with what I'm going through (as they just recently relocated to Singapore). Miss them already!
I'm going through a really scary situation right now. Scary because it's seriously beautiful yet inevitably devastating. Quite certain it will end tragically. Everyone here has been trying to knock some sense into me. Yet I persist. Yes, it's stupid and illogical and nothing less than masochistic. But still, I go deeper and deeper until I can no longer remember where I began.
Gad, Jakarta has turned me melodramatic!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Long Overdue Updates
Wow...haven't blogged in a while. Life here has been very, very interesting. Well, guess it's time for some of my usual bullet point updates.
1. Social: Still burgeoning. Essentially, I can choose to never be alone if I wanted to, as I pretty much can find some friends to hang out with every night, especially on weekends. But I've been trying to slow down a bit, get used to being alone again and not clubbing every freakin' weekend. Started last night, where I planned to have a quiet evening alone, possibly reading or meditating. Lasted 1 hour before I needed to invite Jed over! hahaha. Still, was a pretty chill Friday night, quite unusual for me. Also, not planning to party at all this weekend, though may have a Pinoy dinner tonight at my place with good friends :)
2. Spiritual: Hmmm...aside from the most boring mass ever every Sunday that lasts 1.5 hours, haven't really done much to improve this side of my life. Baaaad. I know I shouldn't be building my relationship wiht God only when I'm in distress...Will really try to discipline myself more in this aspect. Seriously need to start finding a group here, God knows where though.
3. Family: Folks were supposed to visit me this weekend but unfortunately, mom's not feeling well so they had to postpone. There was a bit of relief there, as I was so not ready for their official visit, but at the same time, I felt really bad that I couldn't see them. Have half a mind to run off to Manila soon...
4. Career: Ugh...still feel lost and confused. I can handle my boss pretty well, though his ultra analytical brain overwhelms me. Still can't read my Managing Director...it's like everything that I say to him is wrong or interpreted differently. Shit, he must be regretting getting me now. My subordinates are doing OK. Hopefully, they still like me despite my slowly revealing bitchiness. My agencies fear me...wah! Really have to do something about that.
5. Physical: Been able to gym quite regularly, especially since D left and I needed some way to cope. Will seriously bulk up now. Just have to manage the diet part, which is always the tough part for me. Need to eat a heavy breakfast, and eat every 3 hours--clean food only!!
6. Emotional: Well learning a lot about myself here...about how starved I am for affection, how rashly I can make decisions when I'm emotional, how much I can hurt and still survive. Only makes me stronger right?
Am seriously planning to go on a long trip far far away for my birthday. Any suggestions?
1. Social: Still burgeoning. Essentially, I can choose to never be alone if I wanted to, as I pretty much can find some friends to hang out with every night, especially on weekends. But I've been trying to slow down a bit, get used to being alone again and not clubbing every freakin' weekend. Started last night, where I planned to have a quiet evening alone, possibly reading or meditating. Lasted 1 hour before I needed to invite Jed over! hahaha. Still, was a pretty chill Friday night, quite unusual for me. Also, not planning to party at all this weekend, though may have a Pinoy dinner tonight at my place with good friends :)
2. Spiritual: Hmmm...aside from the most boring mass ever every Sunday that lasts 1.5 hours, haven't really done much to improve this side of my life. Baaaad. I know I shouldn't be building my relationship wiht God only when I'm in distress...Will really try to discipline myself more in this aspect. Seriously need to start finding a group here, God knows where though.
3. Family: Folks were supposed to visit me this weekend but unfortunately, mom's not feeling well so they had to postpone. There was a bit of relief there, as I was so not ready for their official visit, but at the same time, I felt really bad that I couldn't see them. Have half a mind to run off to Manila soon...
4. Career: Ugh...still feel lost and confused. I can handle my boss pretty well, though his ultra analytical brain overwhelms me. Still can't read my Managing Director...it's like everything that I say to him is wrong or interpreted differently. Shit, he must be regretting getting me now. My subordinates are doing OK. Hopefully, they still like me despite my slowly revealing bitchiness. My agencies fear me...wah! Really have to do something about that.
5. Physical: Been able to gym quite regularly, especially since D left and I needed some way to cope. Will seriously bulk up now. Just have to manage the diet part, which is always the tough part for me. Need to eat a heavy breakfast, and eat every 3 hours--clean food only!!
6. Emotional: Well learning a lot about myself here...about how starved I am for affection, how rashly I can make decisions when I'm emotional, how much I can hurt and still survive. Only makes me stronger right?
Am seriously planning to go on a long trip far far away for my birthday. Any suggestions?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Key Next Steps
I will win over this fuckery through sheer pride, anger, and bullet points.
1. Find fulfillment in other aspects of life--health, fitness, travel, family, expanded social circles, spirituality, service.
2. Take my sweet time before trusting people. Trust = Faith + Evaluation + Responsiblity
3. Don't make assumptions based on my own personal experiences. Words or actions mean different things to different people in different cultures.
4. Focus on the good. Be grateful. Be more freakin' positive.
5. Know who my real friends are.
6. Pray. Meditate. Center.
7. Be kind to myself.
8. Mindfulness about how I react at certain situations. Focus on feelings and what drives them--low self-worth? unrealistic expectations? just plain lack of self control?
Now comes the harder part. Actually doing them. I've kinda failed No. 3 already.
1. Find fulfillment in other aspects of life--health, fitness, travel, family, expanded social circles, spirituality, service.
2. Take my sweet time before trusting people. Trust = Faith + Evaluation + Responsiblity
3. Don't make assumptions based on my own personal experiences. Words or actions mean different things to different people in different cultures.
4. Focus on the good. Be grateful. Be more freakin' positive.
5. Know who my real friends are.
6. Pray. Meditate. Center.
7. Be kind to myself.
8. Mindfulness about how I react at certain situations. Focus on feelings and what drives them--low self-worth? unrealistic expectations? just plain lack of self control?
Now comes the harder part. Actually doing them. I've kinda failed No. 3 already.
Dark Night of the Soul
Rough night. Had to face a lot of personal demons including hurt, loneliness, rejection, frustration, helplessness, envy, insecurity. Quite a list for just 1 night. Obviously, these have all just been somewhere inside me, waiting for the right time to strike. Didn't help that I was facing all of these alone, at night, in an alien place. And after a while, drinking didn't work. distractions didn't work. A false attempt to show emotional strength didn't work.
It was just me and my demons.
I just want to run away. Avoid certain people and situations. Build up my emotional wall all over again. Be the fuckin' rockstar I keep telling myself I am. But I know that I can't. And I know I shouldn't. For how else to deal with your demons but to face them head on right? But as with most things in life, this is easier said than done.
It was a very rough night.
But now it's morning again. Time to step out into the world. But I'm feeling too weak, too vulnerable to face it by myself. And so I go back, the way I always do, to the one true Source of strength, stability, and pure, infinite love and compassion...
You are sad with a nameless sorrow. Your heart feels bleak and without resources. The future looms as a long march. Come to me. Bring me your sorrow and allow me to soften it. Breathe in my atmosphere of acceptance and know that grief has a place in our lives. Bring me your shuttered heart. Allow me to warm it and to promise it a future bright with hope. You cannot see it, but beyond your grief, beyond your doubt, your future is sunny and filled with abundance. Only come to me.
I am your source in all things. In seasons of suffering, ask me for comfort. I am a fountain of mercy. In times of doubt, I am the one great certitude, the one abiding power in which you can trust. Seek me daily. Allow me to speak to you. Walk with me and listen to my consolations. You are precious to me. When you are downcast, it is my pleasure to lift you up. It is my joy to bring you joy.
I am the foundation. Build on me. I am sturdy and dependable. You can ground your life in me. I will never fail you. In all times of distress and difficulty, I am always listening for you. I care for you as a mother bird who gathers her chicks to her breast before a storm. Come to me and let me lift your grieving heart.
Lord, in your infinite mercy and compassion, lift me out of this dark night and into the light of your love. Please give me the strength to face all of these demons in my life. I can't go through this alone. Help me. Be with me in this struggle. I surrender it all to you. For I am nothing without you.
It was just me and my demons.
I just want to run away. Avoid certain people and situations. Build up my emotional wall all over again. Be the fuckin' rockstar I keep telling myself I am. But I know that I can't. And I know I shouldn't. For how else to deal with your demons but to face them head on right? But as with most things in life, this is easier said than done.
It was a very rough night.
But now it's morning again. Time to step out into the world. But I'm feeling too weak, too vulnerable to face it by myself. And so I go back, the way I always do, to the one true Source of strength, stability, and pure, infinite love and compassion...
You are sad with a nameless sorrow. Your heart feels bleak and without resources. The future looms as a long march. Come to me. Bring me your sorrow and allow me to soften it. Breathe in my atmosphere of acceptance and know that grief has a place in our lives. Bring me your shuttered heart. Allow me to warm it and to promise it a future bright with hope. You cannot see it, but beyond your grief, beyond your doubt, your future is sunny and filled with abundance. Only come to me.
I am your source in all things. In seasons of suffering, ask me for comfort. I am a fountain of mercy. In times of doubt, I am the one great certitude, the one abiding power in which you can trust. Seek me daily. Allow me to speak to you. Walk with me and listen to my consolations. You are precious to me. When you are downcast, it is my pleasure to lift you up. It is my joy to bring you joy.
I am the foundation. Build on me. I am sturdy and dependable. You can ground your life in me. I will never fail you. In all times of distress and difficulty, I am always listening for you. I care for you as a mother bird who gathers her chicks to her breast before a storm. Come to me and let me lift your grieving heart.
Lord, in your infinite mercy and compassion, lift me out of this dark night and into the light of your love. Please give me the strength to face all of these demons in my life. I can't go through this alone. Help me. Be with me in this struggle. I surrender it all to you. For I am nothing without you.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Dread
I’ve been dreading going to work. In the mornings, I try to leave home as late as possible. Monday mornings make my stomach churn. I’ve gone on “sick” leave for 2 days in a span of 3 weeks. And everyday, I count the hours until I can go home.
This is not something new for me. Actually, this tends to happen every time I have a major career shift…When I moved from Coke to JnJ, when I moved to David…It’s the way I try to run away from the horrid, horrid feeling of isolation, superfluousness, and transcience (also, big words surface when I’m depressed).
I don’t think anyone is a great fan of stepping out of comfort zones. But some people seem to do it much better. I’m obviously not one of those people. I would prefer to be cocooned in the warm, velvety safety of my comfort zone than step out into an unknown world lost, naked and alone. And while I know it will be good for me in the end, it doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable.
While everyone in the office is very warm and friendly, I still know I’m not really one of them. They speak a completely alien language, which excludes me from most personal conversations by default. And I'm still deathly afraid of my boss, who is super nice, but really has high expectations which I don't think I can live up to. That sucks, cause I really perform better when I feel like I actually know what I'm doing...The way this is going, I fear he's just gonna reject everything I work on!
I've also been losing my patience with my media agency because of their lousy output. I have to learn to control myself a bit with them and try to be more understanding...
Ok ok...this is getting a bit too whiney and negative. Should focus on the positives...
1. Everyone is very friendly to me, even folks from other departments.
2. I think my subordinates like me.
3. I think I'm adding value to their work
4. I will learn a lot from all of these new things
5. It WILL get easier
Ohm...
This is not something new for me. Actually, this tends to happen every time I have a major career shift…When I moved from Coke to JnJ, when I moved to David…It’s the way I try to run away from the horrid, horrid feeling of isolation, superfluousness, and transcience (also, big words surface when I’m depressed).
I don’t think anyone is a great fan of stepping out of comfort zones. But some people seem to do it much better. I’m obviously not one of those people. I would prefer to be cocooned in the warm, velvety safety of my comfort zone than step out into an unknown world lost, naked and alone. And while I know it will be good for me in the end, it doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable.
While everyone in the office is very warm and friendly, I still know I’m not really one of them. They speak a completely alien language, which excludes me from most personal conversations by default. And I'm still deathly afraid of my boss, who is super nice, but really has high expectations which I don't think I can live up to. That sucks, cause I really perform better when I feel like I actually know what I'm doing...The way this is going, I fear he's just gonna reject everything I work on!
I've also been losing my patience with my media agency because of their lousy output. I have to learn to control myself a bit with them and try to be more understanding...
Ok ok...this is getting a bit too whiney and negative. Should focus on the positives...
1. Everyone is very friendly to me, even folks from other departments.
2. I think my subordinates like me.
3. I think I'm adding value to their work
4. I will learn a lot from all of these new things
5. It WILL get easier
Ohm...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Affidavit of Loss
I still don't have my stuff from Manila. The forwarding company that J&J hired was supposed to deliver it last Monday. I have been following up the admin assistant everyday since then. The problem was, she hasn't been able to contact them in the last 2 days. So yesterday, the admin assistant decided to just go to their office and follow them up directly once and for all.
The address didn't exist.
They've been had. The guy they were talking to was misrepresenting the forwarding company. And so he got away with around a thousand dollars payment. And my passport.
So together with 2 office colleagues, I went all over the city last night; first, going to the Philippine embassy, which ended up already being closed. Then we had to look for the central police station in order to get a police report. We were prepared for a long and costly night there but fortunately, the officer in charge was extremely friendly and relatively fast in coming up with the document (and he didn't even charge us a single cent!).
Really grateful though to my officemates who pretty much screwed their Friday nights to help me weave through the bureaucracy.
So I'm off to the embassy again on Monday. In the meantime, I hope no one's flying off to Europe using my passport!
The address didn't exist.
They've been had. The guy they were talking to was misrepresenting the forwarding company. And so he got away with around a thousand dollars payment. And my passport.
So together with 2 office colleagues, I went all over the city last night; first, going to the Philippine embassy, which ended up already being closed. Then we had to look for the central police station in order to get a police report. We were prepared for a long and costly night there but fortunately, the officer in charge was extremely friendly and relatively fast in coming up with the document (and he didn't even charge us a single cent!).
Really grateful though to my officemates who pretty much screwed their Friday nights to help me weave through the bureaucracy.
So I'm off to the embassy again on Monday. In the meantime, I hope no one's flying off to Europe using my passport!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Band-Aids
I'm so restless. Been alone in the apartment for only a few hours and already, I have a strange, urgent need to get out asap. Funny. In Manila, I live in a messy, fluorescent-lit building in the middle of squalid downtown Quiapo and yet, I loved nothing better than to lock myself in my room all day, just watching TV. And here I am living on my own in the most gorgeous bachelor pad, and the only thing I can think of is to be somewhere, anywhere else but here.
I guess you see your home differently when you're living alone in a foreign place. Instead of being a secure, quiet cocoon that allows you to escape from the chaos of the day to day world, here, the absolute quiet and solitude just emphasizes how alone you are. This is surprising to a loner like me, who's never had an issue being by myself and has always wanted to live on my own.
I've also been craving for social connection a lot more here. Like I can't stand not being with anyone, or not having someone to talk to (maybe that's why I'm in facebook all day). It's probably because in the isolation of adjusting to a strange, scary new place, you end up desperately seeking emotional comfort and affirmation anywhere you can find it (including all the clubbing and drinking I've been doing).
Good to recognize this and in a way, I think this is a necessary experience I have to go through. But after all that's been said and done, will just have to mature, center myself, and learn not just accept, but actually enjoy the solitude. And this time, without the emotional band-aids.
I guess you see your home differently when you're living alone in a foreign place. Instead of being a secure, quiet cocoon that allows you to escape from the chaos of the day to day world, here, the absolute quiet and solitude just emphasizes how alone you are. This is surprising to a loner like me, who's never had an issue being by myself and has always wanted to live on my own.
I've also been craving for social connection a lot more here. Like I can't stand not being with anyone, or not having someone to talk to (maybe that's why I'm in facebook all day). It's probably because in the isolation of adjusting to a strange, scary new place, you end up desperately seeking emotional comfort and affirmation anywhere you can find it (including all the clubbing and drinking I've been doing).
Good to recognize this and in a way, I think this is a necessary experience I have to go through. But after all that's been said and done, will just have to mature, center myself, and learn not just accept, but actually enjoy the solitude. And this time, without the emotional band-aids.
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